1) He’s obese and as we’ve all learned from the media, this is very, very bad. Children are getting fatter because the health and safety morons have taken away all the fun moving related activities and the media have scared all the parents into believing there is a bad man around every corner. Well guess what, there is – he’s called Father Christmas and you let your children sit on his knee every year!
2) He promotes breaking and entering, theft and getting everything you want for no work. C’mon, if he was an everyday person he’d be the work-shy dole scrounging bloke who has an arrested record as long as your arm but no actual convictions; or he’s the dodgy bloke in the pub who knows a guy, who knows a guy who can get you cheap stuff – no questions asked. Really, not the sort of person you want your kids to look up, forget ‘Grand Theft Auto’, it’s Father Christmas you have to look out for.
3) He drinks and drives. Every year the is a pretty shocking advert somewhere on TV warning you against drinking and driving, it gets worse over the Christmas period and apparently this is when you’re most likely to drink and drive. There can’t be anything wrong with it if Father Christmas can keep control of those reindeer whilst moving at unbelievable speeds… heck, we even encourage him by leaving boose out for the guy. Talk about enabling! Plus the amount of air traffic has increased over the years, mark my words one day the Christmas Day news will feature a horrific story about a Boeing 747 full of children colliding with sleigh, Father Christmas will be alright but he’ll get a couple of points on his licence.
4) Speeding. See above.
5) He runs a sweat shop. Think about it, those poor elves have to work all freaking year round to produce toys for Father Christmas and I bet they don’t have a union that guarantees them regular breaks and the right to take time off. No, they’re basically slaves – sure you could argue that they are doing it voluntarily but as ‘Elf’ reminds us, there aren’t that many career opportunities for elves.
Something really should be done about this. Forget those propaganda films that promote the image that Father Christmas is just this jolly fat guy with impressive facial hair, no, the truth must, nay, needs to be told. Father Christmas is a dictator who exploits the native elf population forcing them to work gruelling hours all year long to satisfy our demands, we must put a stop to this at once.
Join the stand, boycott Christmas until we can topple his regime and implement a health democracy and free the elves from their slavery.